Parent Workshop Coming!

The Parallel Process Parent Intensive:

TRANSFORM alongside your child in treatment through a weekend of support, learning and PRACTICE

By Author, Krissy Pozatek, LICSW

* In this 2-day intensive, experiential workshop, parents will identify, understand and transform their negative relationship patterns with their child in treatment.
*Participants will come away with new concrete skills that will be integrated through role-plays, attunement to feelings and a stronger awareness of parent-child differentiation.
* In this supportive and relaxed setting, parents will become clearer in their parenting, allowing their kids to feel more secure in the parent-child relationship.
* De-stress, recharge and hardwire new communication techniques

Save the Date • Sat, October 15th, 9:30am-5pm & Sun, October 16th, 9:30 am-4pm
THE LAKEVIEW CENTER • 800 GILSON PARK DRIVE • WILMETTE, IL
$295 per individual, $575 per couple, $325 per individual walk-in (space permitting)
_________________________________________________________________
The Parallel Process Parent Intensive
Name(s)_________________________________________________
Home Address____________________________________________
Phone_________________________ Email___________________________

Coffee, Muffins and Lunch Included –please check one
 Omnivore  Vegetarian  Vegan  Food Allergy ______________

Please fill out and send in tear-off and check to: Parallel Process, 1305 Vermont rte 14N, East Montpelier, VT 05651. Space is limited to 30. Payment must be received to secure space.

Please contact Krissy with any questions: krissy@parallel-process.com


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Facebook Page

Finally The Parallel Process has a Facebook Page! This is intended for parents to share comments, ideas, or simply to get support by seeing that they are not alone in the journey of having a child in treatment. The impetus for the book came from seeing so many similar patterns in my years working with families, yet most families feel alone in going through the process. If families feel comfortable sharing short stories, ideas or encouragements, I am sure another mother or father will benefit. Remember you have to go through the woods to get to the other side, which often involves a lot of uncertainty. Trust that there is a clearing on the other side of the woods.

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Why Children Struggling in the Home is OK, even Good!

Read this article and be grateful for your child's struggles with rules, homework and the discomforts of life....

how-to-land-your-kid-in-therapy



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Are You the Manager in Your Child’s Life?

It is hard to change the person if you don’t also change the system. I recently watched the movie Country Strong – a country music film starring Gwyneth Paltrow. I thought it was going to be an entertaining movie with some drama mixed in; but it reminded me once again that rehab jaunts are rarely successful when the old family dynamics are still at play.

In Country Strong, the main character Kelly, a superstar country music singer, is also a reckless and self-destructive alcoholic. She enters rehab to rest, sober-up and reexamine her life after a drinking binge while pregnant, resulting in an accident and miscarriage. Of course this movie had all the Hollywood theatrics, yet it also had some hauntingly familiar familial patterns that are exhibited in many treatment centers around the country.

Her husband, also her manager, removes her from treatment one month early to get her back on track with her career. (You could also say removing a child early from treatment to get back on track with “school.”) Clearly this move has everything to do with the husband/manager’s needs and nothing to do with Kelly’s wellbeing or recovery. Though she has beauty, talent, wealth and fame, she has no freedom to make choices and feel empowered in her own life. Kelly continues to look externally for love and validation from her husband and others – to be seen and heard for who she is. When these attempts continue to come up short, Kelly grows more and more depressed, reveals herself as the fragile person she was before treatment and she continues to act out and drink.

In short, Kelly quickly fell back into her “role” of being an acquiescent wife to her husband/manager’s directions – rather than relying on her own inner-strengths and inner-resources. Her husband becomes increasingly frustrated with her fragility; yet he is unable to see how his over-bearing and withholding personality fundamentally contributes to her instability. When her husband shifted into a managerial role, their marriage lost their love and she lost her power. She was unable to go on stage with confidence and brass when she had none in her own life.

Although this story may represent an extreme – many parents may not be aware of the patterns and relationship dynamics that exist in their family system; that contribute to their children getting stuck. How many parents are the managers in their kid’s lives? When kids start to get better in treatment, it is usually tentative, as they are learning to independently manage and stand on their own two feet. Parents might think – “My child is better, time to get back on track with school, and resume a normal life.” However, parents have to examine if the parent-child relationship has also shifted enough to support the child’s emerging emotional growth.

When the system is unexamined (as in the movie), familiar familial patterns are still right there. Kids are good at collapsing into the parents and handing over the responsibility for their life. Parents who missed being “in-charge” while their child was away in treatment are ready to get back into the pilot seat. None of this is malicious or ill-intentioned; it is just familiar familial ways.

Yet, it is evident that kids also relinquish their emerging independence, their new found coping skills and their personal accountability. To preserve the gains of treatment, parents can engage in a Parallel Process to grow alongside their child, and examine the patterns of over-involvement, enmeshment or co-dependency that may underlie their child’s struggles. There are two ingredients needed for new outcomes: a child examining his or her own struggles and choices while the parents examine their roles and patterns in the parent-child relationship. It is impossible to change familial patterns without, insight, awareness and bravery.

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Video: Reflective Listening

This is the third Parenting Skill from my new book, The Parallel Process.
It is called Reflective Listening




Try it Today!


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127 Hours: What is Your Rock?

(Spoiler Alert: If you want to see 127 hours, read this after)

I have to admit, I was equal parts intrigued and uneasy about seeing the movie 127 hours. I knew the storyline, his arm is trapped by a rock and he cuts it off. Not necessarily a compelling movie. However I also had heard the reviews, knew it was nominated for Oscars, and knew I would eventually see it, so with some trepidation, I rented it. My husband was at a work event, which brought more mixed feelings: is this the kind of movie I wanted to watch alone? Yet I also considered – would my husband ever watch it with me anyway?

I settled in with my popcorn and told myself the Utah landscapes would be beautiful, if nothing else. The director, Danny Boyle, had done Slum Dog Millionaire which was mesmerizing, so I only imagined what he could do with the remote red-rock desert of Canyonlands, Utah. I also told myself, I should see this, I lived in Utah, I hiked and camped in Canyonlands, I can’t miss this.

Whatever my reasons (I also knew I could fast forward through the gruesome parts – which I did), 127 Hours was by far the best movie I have seen this year. Truthfully, it has stayed with me. I am even tempted to watch it again. 127 Hours teaches such an important lesson: calamity is good.

Of course no one in their right mind would ever want to experience what Aron Ralston experienced, yet this event changed his life for the good (at least how it is portrayed in the movie). Through 5 days trapped in one spot with little to no food or water, it is a miraculous story of survival. However there is a much more captivating and illuminating psychological investigation that Aron undergoes as he is pinned in the depths of a slot canyon, seemingly deep in the Earth’s crust. He is alone. No one knows where he is. He did not tell anyone where he was going. He did not have a phone. He had not returned his mother’s call. He did not tell his co-workers where he went. He cut off from his girlfriend. He chose to be alone and he suffered the consequence.

On the edge of death, Aron begins to have an awakening. “I created this.” “In fact, this rock has been waiting for me.” “It is my rock.” “Even back when it was a meteorite before it crashed onto the Earth, it had my name on it.” Aron begins to have premonitions about the future. He begins to imagine being reunited with his family, and his extended family. He imagines a future wife and family of his own. Buddhists talk about being on the spot, when we are nailed to a spot we have an opportunity to wake up, to let go of the storylines in our head and touch in to what is really happening. Aron was literally pinned to a spot, and he woke up.

Already physically in an altered state, Aron’s psychological and spiritual transformation pushed him to a deep place of letting go. His arm was not him. It seemed he even needed to leave a piece of him behind to exit the canyon a new person. He began to go to work. A new surge of energy reignited him from the brink of death. Although he had already fruitlessly stabbed his arm with his cheap and dull knife, he was now determined to break free from this rock. Trance-like, he began to break his own bones in his arm, by forcefully hanging from his dead hand jammed under the 800 pound boulder, until his bones snapped. He then (I fast-forwarded this part) used the almost useless knife and his other hand to rip his skin free. I admit I sped over the details but it was gripping. Then he walks away after 5 days, barely alive.

It is still amazing to think about. His premonitions come true. He changes his life. He reconnects with his family. He gets married, has a baby and now he always tells his friends and family where he is going.

This movie touched me because I know personally and professionally that most people don’t change unless they have to. Aron had to change to live. However for most of us, it is not life or death, but it may be another crisis. We can choose to look at our crises the same way that Aron viewed his rock.

Rather than condemning and running from obstacles that are placed in our path, we can get curious about them. What problem is pinning you down? Why is this obstacle right there in front of me? We can pay attention and allow ourselves to do the hard work. Hopefully, not the work of cutting off an arm, but perhaps cutting off a habit or negative coping pattern, an unhealthy relationship, or an erroneous belief system. We can change and in fact rather than looking at events as good or bad, we can look at events as opportunities to grow and expand. So I will ask parents reading this: what is your rock that has fallen on you? How do you work with this problem, so you can leave it transformed, maybe even grateful?


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Bribe Kids Behavior, Not their Emotions

Well, maybe bribe is a strong word, yet I find that many parents are ethically opposed to using a bribe (you could also say incentive, carrot, or reward) to change behavior, yet all the time are bribing emotions.  If you are feeling a bit confused reading this, take a deep breath and I will explain. 

“It is okay, don’t feel sad, they are not nice friends anyway.”  “Do you want your favorite snack, and your favorite video, that will make you feel better.”  “Let’s get some ice-cream, okay, 2 scoops.”  “I’ll fix it, we can get new jeans.” 

There is nothing wrong with comforting kids; however it is best to listen and show empathy, rather than to fix or change their emotions.  When parents feel that their child’s emotions fall into their department to manage, kids will conveniently allocate any upset to their parents to fix.  When parents don’t fix an emotion adequately or to their child’s liking, kids feel they have the right to get mad at their parents and blame them for the problem. 

            A disagreeable dinner, a broken video game, a plan with a friend that falls through, these may seem like they fall into the “fixable” category.  However parents are side-stepping a critical piece of their child’s emotional maturation: allowing kids to feel and learning to manage their own emotions including sadness, disappointment and anger.  These emotions are part of life, so instead of parents making a new dinner, buying a new game or calling a new friend to come over, parents can listen and validate their children’s emotions.  “Can you tell me what you are feeling about dinner?”  “You sound really frustrated that your game broke.”  “You seem sad and disappointed that Greg can’t come over.”  We need to let children have their emotions and even go a step further and validate these feelings.  “It is frustrating.”  “That is disappointing.”  Instead of “It is okay, don’t worry, I’ll fix it.” 

It should be noted that parents also feel undercurrents of their own annoyance, despair and pain when their kids have negative emotions, because at a core place they feel that it is their job to fix or solve again.  It is best to just let kids have their feelings.

Furthermore, many items do not come anywhere near fixable: rejection from a peer, social anxiety, depression, substance abuse, insomnia.  When parents feel that these emotional struggles also fall into their domain, it provokes an extremely powerless feeling.  Yet many parents simply try harder to help, monitor, manage, praise, and bolster their child while adding in other supports, extra tutors, coaches and specialists to try to keep their child moving forward.

Children come into the world equipped with innate ways of processing feelings – parents need to let kids tap into their own problem-solving.  Instead of attempting to remove struggle, parents can attune to what their child is feeling.  This is called mirroring.  When parents allow children to have their feelings and even join in by validating their child’s highs and lows, parents are trusting their child’s natural self-regulatory system.  When children feel heard and validated by others, it provides relief and most are ready to move on and solve their own problem.  If not, parents can wait until they ask for help, rather than just jumping in and fixing. 

Yet, the parental responses for soothing, fixing, shushing and placating seem to be hard-wired into all of us parents.  I find these programmed responses coming out of my mouth and I have to keep treading into this new territory to employ what I teach.  However, when I do respond in an intentional – rather than automatic – way, I am literally and truly shocked by how well it works. I’ll give 2 examples.  Last night my daughter was counting and gluing beads for a math/art assignment.  When her younger sister knocked over all the beads, my older daughter lost count of her beads and had to not only clean up the spill, but also start the project all over.  As my older daughter got more and more upset, I felt a strong urge to go in and fix, solve and encourage.  Since it was an assignment for her whole school (K-6), my urge amplified to get in there and keep her moving forward on her project.  However I refrained; I held myself back in my cooking area and simply said, “That is really frustrating and disappointing, would you like help?”  She replied sternly, “No.”  So I asked her younger sister to stay over near me and continued on with my cooking.

 My older daughter pulled herself together, cleaned up and redid her project.  She soon came beaming over to me.  Again, I was tempted to add my interpretation and praise her, but instead I let her be in charge: “How does it feel to finish?”  (Since I normally say “Great Job!” and she says “thanks,” this seemed like the first time I heard her own joy spilling out of her.)  She exalted, “I feel great (with a yelp), I am so proud of myself!”  When we let kids have their positive and negative emotions; they are more likely to feel in-charge and invested in their own lives.

A second example happened in the car.  My older daughter had a small role in The Nutcracker, and although she was nervous to be on a big stage, she really wanted to do it.  Going to rehearsals she described strange feelings in her stomach – which we identified as nerves or butterflies.  She began to say more openly, “I am afraid.”  Although mirroring and validating has become more imprinted in my parenting, and I would say to her, “It is scary;” I still sneaked in the fix, “you’ll do great.”  This time in the car going to rehearsal she brought up her worries again, which included falling, freezing and forgetting what to do or banging into someone with her headpiece.  So I took a risk by letting her be in charge of the problem and said: “It does sound scary, what do you think you will do?”  She hesitated and then said assuredly, “I guess I am just going to have to be brave.”  I slightly shook my head, wondering if I actually heard her correctly, and as I glanced over to her, there was a big smile on her face.  She solved her own problem.

When we let kids be in charge of their own emotions, we are teaching them to solve their own problems – a critical step in the emotional maturation process. 

            On the other hand, giving kids an incentive to examine their problem behaviors to make healthy choices can also foster the maturation process.  For example, everybody knows the trimmings of an anger outburst: yelling, screaming, threats and slammed doors.  Yet, how many parents strategically say, “I feel powerless when you become so angry.  I am not sure what to do.  What if I rewarded you for learning how to control it on your own.  You are still entitled to your angry feelings; you just can’t express it in a destructive way.  If you can consecutively and appropriately manage your anger for a whole week, I will give you $10 for your favorite candy store (or other appropriate incentive).  It is just an idea; you tell me what you think?  If you mess up, we’ll start the week again, if you want to try again.” 

            Although many parents might scoff at this idea – of giving a child an incentive to do something he does not want to do: look at his anger.  Yet, many kids would jump on this, “Okay, I want to try that.”  Even if a child is managing his anger for the wrong reasons (i.e. candy) he is trying on a new behavior: self-control.  This new behavior rewires the brain, as now a new signal is associated with anger….breathing and calming down.  These are hugely enormous positive things for a child with an anger problem to do.  After a parent spends, $10, $20 or perhaps $30 on candy for solid weeks without anger, that is money well spent.  This does not need to continue forever.  After a while a parent can say, “You’ve really shown me that you know how to manage your anger.  Moving forward we are not going to reward you with candy anymore, but I now have faith that you know how to get into control yourself.  Now the reward is a newfound maturity, and hopefully more self-control.”

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Skipping the Content : How to emotionally attune and avoid power-struggles with your kids

What kids (of all ages) want most from their parents is to be seen and heard for who they are.  Not new jeans, a cell phone, a twenty dollar bill, or even getting their way.  Yet most, if not all parents, still get pulled into the daily storms; the ups and downs of children’s wants, likes and dislikes.  I call all of this content.  So often, parents are at a loss as to how to deal with all the small episodes that fill most households, every day.  From: “I am not going to wear that coat today,” “You never listen,” to slammed doors, yells or stares.

Parenting is really an eighteen-plus year practice of decoding verbal and non-verbal communication from your children.  Kids desperately want their parents to understand what they are feeling, yet they lack the vocabulary or emotional insight to really communicate. In their attempt to feel heard, kids often engage their parents in content - focusing on the superficial, instead of sharing underlying feelings.  For example when a child feels terrible for being teased at school, he or she might demand a new cell phone in attempt to feel better.  Parents frequently think they have two options: hold a boundary and say “no” which may elicit a power-struggle or acquiesce to the child’s demands or wants. 

There is a third option called emotional attunement.  Underlying most upsets from kids in the parent-child relationship is the child’s desire for their parents to really know and understand their internal struggles.  Yet, how does a parent attune emotionally and meet these deeper needs?  How do parents side-step the power-struggles?

Emotional attunement requires skipping the content (cell phone) and mirroring back to your child that you see what they are feeling.  When a child is angry, sad, frustrated, scared, excited or worried, a parent can first attune, mirror, and validate the emotion.  Stay with the emotion.  Tuning-in requires identifying your child’s emotion and mirroring it back so she feels seen and heard. “You sound upset, can you tell me what you are feeling,” “You seem so frustrated, I think I understand, can you tell me more?” Or, “I can see that you really want that phone, can you tell me about it.”  In saying yes or no, both can miss emotional attunement.   

Furthermore, validating an emotion means allowing your child to feel it, even disappointment and discomfort.  For example, “It is scary to start a new school, how do you think you will cope with this?”  “It is uncomfortable to have fights with friends, how are you feeling about it?”  Although parents might think it is their job to “make it better,” often attempting to fix things undermines their child’s own internal resources to problem-solve, adapt and self-soothe.  It is such a critical skill for kids to learn to be with their feelings and self-regulate.

In attuned communication, parents are not only validating the child’s emotions, but also the child’s internal reality and sense of self.  When parents attune to, mirror, and validate, it assures kids that feeling emotions is safe.   Moreover, attuned communication is a fundamental component in parent-child attachment, which establishes a secure base for the child and a template for emotional reciprocity in future relationships.  Neuropsychiatrist Daniel Siegal writes, “Relating on the level of primary emotions allows us to integrate our experiences within ourselves and with others.  Attuning to each other’s internal state links us in a state of emotional resonance that enables each person to “feel felt” by the other.”[1]

It is remarkable how acknowledging and validating emotions can so often satisfy needs, diffuse situations and promptly allow the child to move away from content: needing a new phone, hating school, fighting about dinner, negotiating homework and so on.  Parents can hear the deeper  internal struggle and reframe the crisis by validating and showing empathy (rather than fixing).  Sadness, disappointment, frustration, anger, hurt, rejection: these are all important feelings that we all have the capacity to feel every day.  The more parents can validate children’s underlying feelings, the quicker parents can move away from fixing and power-struggles and move towards understanding your child at a deeper level.  Additionally, when parents validate without rescuing, it allows children to learn the essential skills of emotional regulation and problem-solving.

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[1] Siegal, D. and Hartzell, M. (2003) Parenting from the inside out: How a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive. New York: Tarcher/Penguin. 60

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