Monday, December 10, 2012
Children are Hardwired for Struggle
Watch this video and see why vulnerability, struggle and uncertainty are good.
Visit www.parallel-process.com
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
The Dalai Lama on Parenting
HHDL Cultivating, Hope, Wisdom and Compassion 10/13/12 from Middlebury College LIS on Vimeo.
The Dalai Lama recently came to Vermont to speak at Middlebury College about Peace and Education.* I was not able to attend the talk, but I was lucky enough to hear His Holiness speak in Salt Lake City, UT, in April 2000. Although I was not yet a parent, I remember vividly his response to a question on parenting and how to handle children’s behavior. He responded (paraphrasing here),"Well, I am just a monk. No spouse, no children. I imagine so frustrating! If I was a parent I would probably hit them." Then he chuckled.
I suppose it is not surprising that a reincarnated spiritual leader is compassionate and empathetic; but to hear such empathy and understanding directed towards parents, who often are very hard on themselves (and each other) was surprising. It stuck with me. He described how his struggles are more geopolitical related to his people suffering than interpersonal. However he was able to draw parallels, he kept saying, “I am a human being, you and me, we are the same."
In his recent talk at Middlebury, there was not a direct question on parenting because he was addressing a college community. However, the first question was about family bonds being destroyed, and the question asked how to reconcile wounds when someone in the family does not want to reconcile?
The Dalai Lama poignantly explained his philosophy on approaching such complicated family struggles. He said that one can be totally dedicated and concerned for another’s long-term wellbeing, no matter what the other’s response. When one has true compassion and love there is no need for reward or response, he says. If one’s action is based on wanting a response from another, then it is not true compassion; one instead has a self-agenda.
His Holiness goes further to separate out the actor from an action. (I have used the language in my work of separating out a person from their behavior). In essence he is saying you can be concerned about one’s problematic action, and still have genuine compassion for the actor’s wellbeing.
Loving our kids is the easy part, but responding to their behaviors and emotions is not so easy. How do we have a deep empathy, a true compassion, while our children test us through their behaviors? How do we hold them accountable? I believe we do this by following the Dalai Lama’s words of actor verses action. We can have genuine love for our children (actor) and still hold them accountable for their behavior (actions), by giving children strong messages of love while also giving appropriate natural and logical consequences for their behavior.
Many parents may think they should innately know how to parent, and if they mess up they are a failure. Likewise blaming a marriage as problematic if there is struggle, rather than realizing that marriage and other relationships require skills and personal growth. I believe parenting children with emotional attunement and behavioral boundaries is a skill. Come and practice this skill at my upcoming parent workshop in Atlanta November 9th! Click here for more information.
*Hear Dede Cumming’s (my new literary agent) VPR Commentary on the Dalai Lama’s visit here.
Visit www.parallel-process.com
Friday, October 5, 2012
Parallel Process Workshop - Atlanta!
PARALLEL PROCESS PARENT WORKSHOP coming to ATLANTA, GA on NOV. 9TH
In this supportive workshop, parents will identify, understand and TRANSFORM their negative relationship patterns with their child.
Participants will come away with a "felt sense" of how to respond differently.
Parents will increase their self-awareness through identifying their feelings and patterns.
Parents will integrate new communication skills through role-plays.
Parents will practice reflective listening and learn how to empower their children to solve their own problems.
Parents will develop greater awareness of parent-child differentiation.
The Parallel Process concepts will be integrated through experiential learning, and group sharing.
In this relaxed setting, parents can build new skills to confidently parent their preteen, teen or young adult child.
FOR MORE INFORMATION, CLICK THE LINK BELOW
http://events.constantcontact.com/register/event?llr=eivcekkab&oeidk=a07e6gom61l05bd10bb
Visit www.parallel-process.com
Thursday, September 27, 2012
We All Belong
I’ve just discovered a gold mine in my local community called Earthwalk Vermont. http://earthwalkvermont.org/ My 8-year old just started the Village School program, where she spends every Friday in the woods becoming more intimate with the natural world. Of course the program is education-based, but from my perspective it is also quite therapeutic – beyond what a young person may gain from a therapist or other type of social service.
First off, the kids are barefoot! Now all those hovering parents out there may cringe (myself included), but what this allows kids to do right away is to feel. To enter into the sensory environment of the natural world, kids have an ability to feel and receive information from their bodies!! This is something many therapist struggle to do in an office setting. Through walking barefoot, kids become more present, aware and mindful of the woods/meadow/ stream they are walking through. When we are more present and engaged with our full bodies, we are less driven by repetitive or discursive thoughts in our minds.
Kids also become more aware of natural consequences while barefoot as there are thorns, sharp rocks and other potential hazards underfoot. In childrearing today, we cannot remove all the hazards, but we can teach kids to make thoughtful choices while navigating their terrain. This exercise in barefootedness is quite a benign way for kids to learn to pay attention, and perhaps to learn the hard way to watch where they step.
Another vital component to Earthwalk is a daily gratitude circle. Kids pass the talking stick and share whatever they feel grateful for. This is not something we are oriented toward in our childrearing culture today as entitlement is on the rise and a sense of always wanting more. I have observed kids exclaim a wide-range of thanks. In this process they open their hearts, become vulnerable and share what they are grateful for: their life, the trees, their parents, their mentors, their siblings, the call of the crow, their pets – what a wonderful exercise.
However……..the most profound aspect of Earthwalk is the singing and sense of belonging. The sense of belonging in our culture is even scarcer than feeling our feelings or giving thanks. In our schools, kids all want to be the same to “fit-in.” This does not end in childhood; in our culture at large we all are looking for acceptance. Yet in the natural world, the trees belong, the rocks belong, the plants belong, the raccoons belong, the birds belong, the insects belong. We don’t say, ‘this rock should be here and that rock shouldn’t or this tree belongs and that tree does not.’ Everything has its place in the natural world and the same is true for all of us. It is said in a forest of 100,000 trees, every tree is different. None of us belong more than anyone else; in fact, we all make up the whole.
What I notice in my daughter as she goes from 3rd grade public school to Earthwalk Village School is a profound difference in belonging. In public school the friendships are up and down, the dynamics constantly in flux, and she comes home with a restless energy. While after Earthwalk there is a profound sense of peace and calm. I think the lesson we can learn from this is that whether we spend the day in the woods or not, whether we perceive that we “fit-in,” we have to remember the frogs and the moles and the butterflies and each of us all have inherent worth, whether it is noticed or not.
Visit www.parallel-process.com
First off, the kids are barefoot! Now all those hovering parents out there may cringe (myself included), but what this allows kids to do right away is to feel. To enter into the sensory environment of the natural world, kids have an ability to feel and receive information from their bodies!! This is something many therapist struggle to do in an office setting. Through walking barefoot, kids become more present, aware and mindful of the woods/meadow/ stream they are walking through. When we are more present and engaged with our full bodies, we are less driven by repetitive or discursive thoughts in our minds.
Kids also become more aware of natural consequences while barefoot as there are thorns, sharp rocks and other potential hazards underfoot. In childrearing today, we cannot remove all the hazards, but we can teach kids to make thoughtful choices while navigating their terrain. This exercise in barefootedness is quite a benign way for kids to learn to pay attention, and perhaps to learn the hard way to watch where they step.
Another vital component to Earthwalk is a daily gratitude circle. Kids pass the talking stick and share whatever they feel grateful for. This is not something we are oriented toward in our childrearing culture today as entitlement is on the rise and a sense of always wanting more. I have observed kids exclaim a wide-range of thanks. In this process they open their hearts, become vulnerable and share what they are grateful for: their life, the trees, their parents, their mentors, their siblings, the call of the crow, their pets – what a wonderful exercise.
However……..the most profound aspect of Earthwalk is the singing and sense of belonging. The sense of belonging in our culture is even scarcer than feeling our feelings or giving thanks. In our schools, kids all want to be the same to “fit-in.” This does not end in childhood; in our culture at large we all are looking for acceptance. Yet in the natural world, the trees belong, the rocks belong, the plants belong, the raccoons belong, the birds belong, the insects belong. We don’t say, ‘this rock should be here and that rock shouldn’t or this tree belongs and that tree does not.’ Everything has its place in the natural world and the same is true for all of us. It is said in a forest of 100,000 trees, every tree is different. None of us belong more than anyone else; in fact, we all make up the whole.
What I notice in my daughter as she goes from 3rd grade public school to Earthwalk Village School is a profound difference in belonging. In public school the friendships are up and down, the dynamics constantly in flux, and she comes home with a restless energy. While after Earthwalk there is a profound sense of peace and calm. I think the lesson we can learn from this is that whether we spend the day in the woods or not, whether we perceive that we “fit-in,” we have to remember the frogs and the moles and the butterflies and each of us all have inherent worth, whether it is noticed or not.
Visit www.parallel-process.com
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Letting Kids Struggle
I just learned a new technique from my daughter’s kindergarten teacher. I asked my 5 year-old what happens when she runs down the hall in school (which my daughter does with me, but not when the teacher is there). She said, “Well, we have to start over, Mom.” As a parenting coach I am always looking for little tricks to help kids self-regulate and become more mindful of their behavior.
I’ve started to employ this concept in the home. So when my daughter whines, I say, “Start over sweetie.” The problem is that as parents we get hooked into the whine. We want to give them their snack so they stop whining or we get mad at them for whining. Children are allowed to make mistakes and whine when they feel impatient, but we can also ask them to repair the mistake.
“American children, especially those who grow up in relative comfort, are being shielded from failure as never before,” says Paul Tough author of How Children Succeed. Culturally we are very concerned with kid’s academic success and their happiness, but we aren’t too worried about how well they deal with adversity. In fact most kids today melt-down when things don’t go their way. And although most parents get annoyed by these episodes, we often play right into them by rescuing and fixing for our children. When children are shielded from discomforts and failure they never have the opportunity to develop the skills necessary for navigating the ups and downs of life.
New research in Mr. Tough’s book indicates that children’s intelligence does not guarantee success. In fact non-cognitive skills or – as I prefer to call them – internal resources are more critical to children’s development and long-term success.
Internal resources such as delayed gratification, problem solving, distress tolerance, internal motivation, and emotional regulation are developed by asking kids to use these skills. We need to ask kids to problem solve everyday challenges like sibling conflicts, chores, or feelings of frustration. Kids need to apply their intelligence to living their lives, not just in academics. As parents we can value emotional regulation, distress tolerance and internal motivation as much as a good report card or scoring a goal.
The thing is……we don’t have to wait for our children to fail in school, be bullied or experience another type of struggle outside the home; we can allow them to have safe struggle in the home. Ideas like “starting over,” can be applied to behavioral problems in the home to hold children accountable. We can let them feel disappointed. We can hear when they don’t like a rule. We can validate that chores are annoying. But we don’t have to change anything to make them happy. Remember the more kids struggle with small things like redoing a homework assignment or working on respectful communication, the more equipped they will be to deal with bigger struggles in their lives.
We can shift our parenting from “I’ll fix it” to “You’ve got this.”
Visit www.parallel-process.com
I’ve started to employ this concept in the home. So when my daughter whines, I say, “Start over sweetie.” The problem is that as parents we get hooked into the whine. We want to give them their snack so they stop whining or we get mad at them for whining. Children are allowed to make mistakes and whine when they feel impatient, but we can also ask them to repair the mistake.
“American children, especially those who grow up in relative comfort, are being shielded from failure as never before,” says Paul Tough author of How Children Succeed. Culturally we are very concerned with kid’s academic success and their happiness, but we aren’t too worried about how well they deal with adversity. In fact most kids today melt-down when things don’t go their way. And although most parents get annoyed by these episodes, we often play right into them by rescuing and fixing for our children. When children are shielded from discomforts and failure they never have the opportunity to develop the skills necessary for navigating the ups and downs of life.
New research in Mr. Tough’s book indicates that children’s intelligence does not guarantee success. In fact non-cognitive skills or – as I prefer to call them – internal resources are more critical to children’s development and long-term success.
Internal resources such as delayed gratification, problem solving, distress tolerance, internal motivation, and emotional regulation are developed by asking kids to use these skills. We need to ask kids to problem solve everyday challenges like sibling conflicts, chores, or feelings of frustration. Kids need to apply their intelligence to living their lives, not just in academics. As parents we can value emotional regulation, distress tolerance and internal motivation as much as a good report card or scoring a goal.
The thing is……we don’t have to wait for our children to fail in school, be bullied or experience another type of struggle outside the home; we can allow them to have safe struggle in the home. Ideas like “starting over,” can be applied to behavioral problems in the home to hold children accountable. We can let them feel disappointed. We can hear when they don’t like a rule. We can validate that chores are annoying. But we don’t have to change anything to make them happy. Remember the more kids struggle with small things like redoing a homework assignment or working on respectful communication, the more equipped they will be to deal with bigger struggles in their lives.
We can shift our parenting from “I’ll fix it” to “You’ve got this.”
Visit www.parallel-process.com
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Stop Tiptoeing and Start Parent Coaching!
I recently looked at Susan Stiffelman’s book titled, Parenting without Power-Struggles. A powerful metaphor she uses in the book is of a captain of a ship. When on a cruise, the only reason all the guests can relax by the pool, drink at the bar, attend shows and generally feel at-ease is because there is an abiding trust in the captain to skillfully navigate the waters (minus the recent media story).
The captain is not looking for cues about whether he is liked or not liked. The captain is not changing his mind on where to sail the ship based on the passenger’s whims. And the captain is certainly not tiptoeing around the passenger’s feelings.
This sense of authority and skill in a captain reduces anxiety for passengers and the same concept applies to parenting. Parenting with authority, tends to reduce anxiety in children.
Yet, tiptoeing around our children’s moods, likes, dislikes, whims and emotions has become so pervasive across the parenting spectrum today. Most of us are unaware that when we tiptoe are we increasing their anxiety. Indirectly we are sending the message that there is a lot to worry about; that children are so delicate and fragile that we have to walk on egg shells. My question for parents is: would you like someone to tiptoe around you, or would you prefer others to be direct?
In some ways this may seem simple and obvious, yet many parents may not even be aware of the extent of their tiptoeing, and many of the patterns of tiptoeing stretch back to toddler years. How much are you reading your children’s cues rather than asking questions directly? How much energy are you spending behind the scenes to try to make everything “smoother?” How much on-edge are you as a parent? Does your parenting decisions change based on your child’s emotions? Does your child have an ability to override the captain of the ship? Do you think that makes a child feel safer to have that level of control over a parent?
The case for Parent Coaching:
Many parents today are stuck in unhealthy parent-child patterns, where although it may be negatively impacting the parent and the child, there is an even greater fear to change the pattern. This is why patterns stay stuck. Although going to a therapist is an available choice, many parents may not be suffering from a diagnosable mental health issue, and so simply don’t go. Yet, parents may want strategies to work with their emotions and their communication related to their current interactions with their child. Parent coaching helps parents build skills to more successfully navigate the stormy seas in their unique parent-child bond. Parents can regain their natural authority, despite whatever choice their child is making.
Try parent coaching to examine patterns, build new skills and foster more security in the parent-child relationship.
Visit www.parallel-process.com
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Being Fresh, Present and Alive for Our Children
I asked my daughter the other day if she was excited to see one of her new best friends at school, as I was about to drop her off for her first day back after a break. I turned around in the car and I saw tears welling up in her eyes, with a scowl in her forehead. I paused, took a breath, and then asked what was wrong? She burst into tears and with broken speech, told me that another friend had taken her best friend away.
Of course I knew this all may change in the matter of twenty minutes as friendships in elementary school years are as transient as Vermont spring weather.
I wanted to tell her to wait and see what happens – or to cheer it up, and put a positive spin on it. But instead I validated the pained look on her face. I know how painful friendships can be especially when they change from right under your feet. You think you are on solid ground, but in a matter of minutes the ground is gone, the friendship has broken up and scattered amidst the harsh spring winds.
I say:
“That must be so painful.” Pause, “Friendships can hurt so much when you really love your friends, and then the friendship changes.”
She nods, wiping her tears.
After a minute or so I ask: “How is Annie?”
My daughter takes a deep breath, “Annie is great; she is a true friend.”
“Well we should have her over….?”
“Yes, I am going to have her over next week, and then I will have……(my daughter lists all the other friends) over.”
She finally lists the two girls in question, the best friend and the friend who took her away. “I will have them over too, because they are still my friends.”
What I saw happen in the matter of 10 minutes in the car is that when I validated the pain of friendship, but also and more significantly, I validated impermanence, she felt relief. We want things to always stay the same, but friendships like people are always changing. Nothing stays the same. We can teach our kids not to blame themselves when change happens.
When I heard the deep pain in her voice and did not brush it aside, and said that I know the same feeling, she very quickly moved on. When I dropped her off at school she had solved her problem, and she still wanted to have these girls over because they are still her friends, even though the dynamics have temporarily shifted.
I recently taught a winter term course at Middlebury College on Wilderness Therapy. One theme that continued to come up in the course is that nature is safe place for our emotions, especially children who are learning how to process feelings. Trees don’t tell children what to do, trees don’t judge. And most importantly, trees don’t fix our problems. Vietnamese Buddhist Monk, Thich Nhat Hanh says: trees are fresh, present and alive. The woods, a meadow, a stream: these environments have a way of absorbing what we feel. The vibrant hum of nature has a relaxing effect on our nervous systems. As we ponder the frozen grass, the call of the crow, the thawing sheets of ice, the buds awakening in the trees, the sparkling sunshine, we witness up-close the cycle of life. We also witness impermanence everywhere we look. Everything in nature is in motion, and so is our emotional life.
When a strong spring wind hits a maple tree, the maple tree does not think: “Why am I in this storm? Something must be wrong with me?” The maple tree knows impermanence and accepts the daily fluctuations in weather.
We forget about impermanence. When our storms hit: unforeseen events or unwanted feelings, we fight our emotions and judge ourselves. We blame ourselves or blame others. How can we be more like the maple tree? How can we be fresh and present to all emotions – and most importantly to our children’s emotions?
As parents we can normalize and validate children’s feelings. We can say, “Yes, that is a strong wind,” or “Yes, that is painful.” Kids can quickly process and move-through feelings when they are acknowledged and validated. There is no denying a strong wind.
Spending an afternoon in the woods can’t hurt either.
Visit www.parallel-process.com
Of course I knew this all may change in the matter of twenty minutes as friendships in elementary school years are as transient as Vermont spring weather.
I wanted to tell her to wait and see what happens – or to cheer it up, and put a positive spin on it. But instead I validated the pained look on her face. I know how painful friendships can be especially when they change from right under your feet. You think you are on solid ground, but in a matter of minutes the ground is gone, the friendship has broken up and scattered amidst the harsh spring winds.
I say:
“That must be so painful.” Pause, “Friendships can hurt so much when you really love your friends, and then the friendship changes.”
She nods, wiping her tears.
After a minute or so I ask: “How is Annie?”
My daughter takes a deep breath, “Annie is great; she is a true friend.”
“Well we should have her over….?”
“Yes, I am going to have her over next week, and then I will have……(my daughter lists all the other friends) over.”
She finally lists the two girls in question, the best friend and the friend who took her away. “I will have them over too, because they are still my friends.”
What I saw happen in the matter of 10 minutes in the car is that when I validated the pain of friendship, but also and more significantly, I validated impermanence, she felt relief. We want things to always stay the same, but friendships like people are always changing. Nothing stays the same. We can teach our kids not to blame themselves when change happens.
When I heard the deep pain in her voice and did not brush it aside, and said that I know the same feeling, she very quickly moved on. When I dropped her off at school she had solved her problem, and she still wanted to have these girls over because they are still her friends, even though the dynamics have temporarily shifted.
I recently taught a winter term course at Middlebury College on Wilderness Therapy. One theme that continued to come up in the course is that nature is safe place for our emotions, especially children who are learning how to process feelings. Trees don’t tell children what to do, trees don’t judge. And most importantly, trees don’t fix our problems. Vietnamese Buddhist Monk, Thich Nhat Hanh says: trees are fresh, present and alive. The woods, a meadow, a stream: these environments have a way of absorbing what we feel. The vibrant hum of nature has a relaxing effect on our nervous systems. As we ponder the frozen grass, the call of the crow, the thawing sheets of ice, the buds awakening in the trees, the sparkling sunshine, we witness up-close the cycle of life. We also witness impermanence everywhere we look. Everything in nature is in motion, and so is our emotional life.
When a strong spring wind hits a maple tree, the maple tree does not think: “Why am I in this storm? Something must be wrong with me?” The maple tree knows impermanence and accepts the daily fluctuations in weather.
We forget about impermanence. When our storms hit: unforeseen events or unwanted feelings, we fight our emotions and judge ourselves. We blame ourselves or blame others. How can we be more like the maple tree? How can we be fresh and present to all emotions – and most importantly to our children’s emotions?
As parents we can normalize and validate children’s feelings. We can say, “Yes, that is a strong wind,” or “Yes, that is painful.” Kids can quickly process and move-through feelings when they are acknowledged and validated. There is no denying a strong wind.
Spending an afternoon in the woods can’t hurt either.
Visit www.parallel-process.com
Monday, April 9, 2012
Use The Parallel Process in Your Parenting Group!
The Parallel Process Group
This 10-week group is designed to use with any parenting group. It follows the new book, The Parallel Process, by Krissy Pozatek, LICSW. It is important for each member of the group to read the assigned chapters each week and to come into the group with an awareness of the discussion questions. Each group session should start with a “feelings check,” where each member checks in and identifies his or her emotion. This is a skill that parallel’s what their children may be learning in treatment. The aim of this group is for each parent to grow emotionally through enhanced self-awareness.
Week 1: The Entangled Parent
Read Intro and Chapter 1.
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• What is your relationship story with your child?
• Would you describe yourself as over-involved, enmeshed, or co-dependent with your child?
• If not, how would you describe your relationship?
• What thoughts or feelings come up when you identify this pattern?
Week 2: Ownership of the Problem
Read Chapter 2
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• How much ownership do you take of your child’s problem? 60%, 75%, 95%?
• Do you let your child face natural consequences such as receiving an F, being asked to leave a sports team, losing something and not replacing it, asking your child to pay for damage or accident?
• How much do you rescue your child?
• Do you feel responsible for their happiness and work hard to make them happy?
Week 3: Developing Internal Resources
Read Chapter 3
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• How were you raised? Did your parents have behavioral boundaries? Did your parents show emotional attunement? Did your parents create a safe container? Did your parents value struggle?
• Do you parent in the same way you were parented, or have you consciously chosen a new approach or philosophy?
• Where would you place your parenting on the attunement-boundaries continuum?
• Can your child follow rules, or show feelings? What internal resources does your child have and what internal resources is your child lacking?
Week 4: Balanced Parenting
Read Chapter 4
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• Do you set behavioral boundaries for your child? If so how?
• Do you emotionally attune? If so how?
• Do you try to boost your child’s self-esteem? If so how? Does it work?
• What insights do you have at this point to make your parenting more balanced?
Week 5: Meeting Your Child Halfway
Read Chapter 5 and 6
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• What patterns of your own do you identify from the list?
• What thoughts or feelings come up as you identify these?
• If not, can you ask a loved one or therapist which patterns they see in you?
• Can you work toward being accountable and breaking your pattern, knowing this is exactly what you are asking your child to do?
Week 6: Letting Go of the Reins:
Read Chapter 7
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• In what ways do you try to control your child?
• In what ways do you try to control the treatment process with your child?
• In what ways do you try to exert control by protecting yourself?
• What would it feel like to let go of the reins? Discuss.
Week 7: The Art of Reframing
Read Chapter 8
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• Can you refrain from solving your child’s problems?
• Role-play the reframing scenarios in the book – how does it feel?
• How can you let your child’s problems stay on his or her lap?
• Can you practice this once a day this week (with anyone)?
Week 8 and 9: Skills for Reintegration
Read Chapter 9
Feelings Check
Goals for 2 group session :
• Discuss and practice the “1-feel” statement outlined in the book
• Discuss and practice reflective listening
• Discuss time-outs, boundary setting, family check ins
• Discuss making mistakes, accountability and repairing
Week 10: Opening to the Future
Read Chapter 9 and 10
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• What can you forgive? What are you grateful for?
• What lessons have you learned from the process?
• How can you stay committed to your own self-awareness and personal growth?
• What is your treatment plan?
Visit www.parallel-process.com
This 10-week group is designed to use with any parenting group. It follows the new book, The Parallel Process, by Krissy Pozatek, LICSW. It is important for each member of the group to read the assigned chapters each week and to come into the group with an awareness of the discussion questions. Each group session should start with a “feelings check,” where each member checks in and identifies his or her emotion. This is a skill that parallel’s what their children may be learning in treatment. The aim of this group is for each parent to grow emotionally through enhanced self-awareness.
Week 1: The Entangled Parent
Read Intro and Chapter 1.
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• What is your relationship story with your child?
• Would you describe yourself as over-involved, enmeshed, or co-dependent with your child?
• If not, how would you describe your relationship?
• What thoughts or feelings come up when you identify this pattern?
Week 2: Ownership of the Problem
Read Chapter 2
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• How much ownership do you take of your child’s problem? 60%, 75%, 95%?
• Do you let your child face natural consequences such as receiving an F, being asked to leave a sports team, losing something and not replacing it, asking your child to pay for damage or accident?
• How much do you rescue your child?
• Do you feel responsible for their happiness and work hard to make them happy?
Week 3: Developing Internal Resources
Read Chapter 3
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• How were you raised? Did your parents have behavioral boundaries? Did your parents show emotional attunement? Did your parents create a safe container? Did your parents value struggle?
• Do you parent in the same way you were parented, or have you consciously chosen a new approach or philosophy?
• Where would you place your parenting on the attunement-boundaries continuum?
• Can your child follow rules, or show feelings? What internal resources does your child have and what internal resources is your child lacking?
Week 4: Balanced Parenting
Read Chapter 4
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• Do you set behavioral boundaries for your child? If so how?
• Do you emotionally attune? If so how?
• Do you try to boost your child’s self-esteem? If so how? Does it work?
• What insights do you have at this point to make your parenting more balanced?
Week 5: Meeting Your Child Halfway
Read Chapter 5 and 6
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• What patterns of your own do you identify from the list?
• What thoughts or feelings come up as you identify these?
• If not, can you ask a loved one or therapist which patterns they see in you?
• Can you work toward being accountable and breaking your pattern, knowing this is exactly what you are asking your child to do?
Week 6: Letting Go of the Reins:
Read Chapter 7
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• In what ways do you try to control your child?
• In what ways do you try to control the treatment process with your child?
• In what ways do you try to exert control by protecting yourself?
• What would it feel like to let go of the reins? Discuss.
Week 7: The Art of Reframing
Read Chapter 8
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• Can you refrain from solving your child’s problems?
• Role-play the reframing scenarios in the book – how does it feel?
• How can you let your child’s problems stay on his or her lap?
• Can you practice this once a day this week (with anyone)?
Week 8 and 9: Skills for Reintegration
Read Chapter 9
Feelings Check
Goals for 2 group session :
• Discuss and practice the “1-feel” statement outlined in the book
• Discuss and practice reflective listening
• Discuss time-outs, boundary setting, family check ins
• Discuss making mistakes, accountability and repairing
Week 10: Opening to the Future
Read Chapter 9 and 10
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• What can you forgive? What are you grateful for?
• What lessons have you learned from the process?
• How can you stay committed to your own self-awareness and personal growth?
• What is your treatment plan?
Visit www.parallel-process.com
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Parallel Process Workshop - NY!
The Parallel Process Parent Intensive:
TRANSFORMING Alongside your Child in Treatment
By Author, Krissy Pozatek, LICSW
• In this intensive, experiential workshop, parents will identify, understand and transform their negative relationship patterns with their child.
• Participants will come away with new concrete communication skills that will be integrated through role-plays, attunement to feelings and a stronger awareness of parent-child differentiation.
• In this supportive and relaxed setting, parents will become clearer in their parenting, which enables children to feel more secure in the parent-child relationship
Save the Date • Sat, April 21st, 9:30am-4:30pm
Eduardo’s Resturant (private room) • 77 South Moger Ave. • Mt. Kisco, NY
$175 per individual • $250 per couple • Not refundable after April 7th • Space Limited
_________________________________________________________________
The Parallel Process Parent Intensive
Name(s)_________________________________________________
Home Address____________________________________________
Phone_________________________ Email___________________________
Coffee, Muffins and Lunch Included
Please fill out and send in tear-off and check to: Parallel Process, 1305 Vermont rte 14N, East Montpelier, VT 05651. Space is limited to 30. Payment must be received to secure space.
Please contact Krissy with any questions: krissy@parallel-process.com , 802-595-5116
Or, Lisa Muoio: Lisa@ERUconsults.com, 914-232-4000 at Educational Resources Unlimited
Visit www.parallel-process.com
TRANSFORMING Alongside your Child in Treatment
By Author, Krissy Pozatek, LICSW
• In this intensive, experiential workshop, parents will identify, understand and transform their negative relationship patterns with their child.
• Participants will come away with new concrete communication skills that will be integrated through role-plays, attunement to feelings and a stronger awareness of parent-child differentiation.
• In this supportive and relaxed setting, parents will become clearer in their parenting, which enables children to feel more secure in the parent-child relationship
Save the Date • Sat, April 21st, 9:30am-4:30pm
Eduardo’s Resturant (private room) • 77 South Moger Ave. • Mt. Kisco, NY
$175 per individual • $250 per couple • Not refundable after April 7th • Space Limited
_________________________________________________________________
The Parallel Process Parent Intensive
Name(s)_________________________________________________
Home Address____________________________________________
Phone_________________________ Email___________________________
Coffee, Muffins and Lunch Included
Please fill out and send in tear-off and check to: Parallel Process, 1305 Vermont rte 14N, East Montpelier, VT 05651. Space is limited to 30. Payment must be received to secure space.
Please contact Krissy with any questions: krissy@parallel-process.com , 802-595-5116
Or, Lisa Muoio: Lisa@ERUconsults.com, 914-232-4000 at Educational Resources Unlimited
Visit www.parallel-process.com
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