Parallel Process Parent Workshop - Atlanta!

The Care & Counseling Center of Georgia
presents..

Parallel Process Parent Workshop:Transforming Alongside your Struggling Teen

Atlanta, GA - April 20, 2013 - 9am-4pm


Do you power-struggle daily with your teen?

Do you walk on eggshells as a parent around your child's mood and temperament?

Do you feel like the manager in your child's life?

Are you constantly on high alert as a parent?


In this supportive workshop, parents will learn new concepts and skills to transform their stuck relationship patterns with their child.

Participants will come away with a "felt sense" of how to respond differently.

Parents will increase their own self-awareness through identifying their feelings and patterns.

Parents will integrate new communication skills through role-plays and experiential learning.

Parents will learn emotional attunement to empower their children to solve their own problems.

Parents will develop greater awareness of parent-child differentiation.

In this relaxed setting, parents can build new skills to confidently parent their preteen, teen or young adult child.


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Duct Tape Parenting: Part 1

I am currently reading a new parenting book by Vicki Hoefle called, “Duct Tape Parenting.” And no, the duct tape is not for the kids, it’s for us the parents. She literally means taping up your mouth when you have the urge to manage, to direct, to nag or to solve; taping up your ears when you hear tantrums or fights (to not provide an audience); and finally, taping your bum to a chair, to refrain yourself from rescuing a situation or problem that you normally insert yourself into.

These habits are hard to break, which is why Vicki relies on the tough stuff – Duct Tape. But seriously, she has a point. Vicki writes:

“They (your children) have you trained, and in certain situations they are in control of the way the family functions. You can be relied upon to do the same thing over and over again even though you experience no long-term change. Your kids are merely doing what they have always done, and for them, it is working perfectly. Change what you do and your children’s behavior will change.”

The problem is that we as parents have helped create this dynamic, we continue to sustain the dynamic, and we may not even be aware of what we are doing. As parents we shine our spotlight brightly on our children’s behavior, not on our own. So here is the deal: turn your spotlight on yourself, change your habit and see what happens. And when kids do for themselves they feel more capable, more self-sufficient and more of a contributor to the family.

I heard Vicki speak recently and as a parent coach, I was nodding along as though I knew it all. However as I began to listen more closely, I realized, okay she is also talking to me about my negative parenting dynamics. My big Aha moment was realizing how controlling I am in the kitchen. Making my kids breakfast, cleaning up, making lunch, cleaning up, making dinner, cleaning up. My kids frequently want to get into the kitchen and I act as though they are making my job harder. Plus I have to ask repeatedly, “What would you like for breakfast sweetheart?” The first time I ask nicely, the second time, too; by the third time I am feeling more rushed, more frustrated and now we are entering into a power-struggle. But why?

After hearing Vicki, I came home and told my children: “You guys are now in charge of getting your own breakfast when you know what you want and when you are ready to eat.” My kids loved this!!! Of course, there were a few times I needed the duct tape when I watched the honey hit the floor, but they are learning all the things they can get for themselves and they are excited to do it.

My older daughter liked this so much, she started packing her lunch, making her sandwich and feeling like she has a place in the kitchen. Now the kids are making dinner. I am finding that it is better when I am not even around. “Come and get me if you have a question,” I say as I walk out of the kitchen. Because otherwise my habits of directing them are so strong, they feel like they are not even cooking themselves. Mistakes, spills, burnt food are part of the learning process!! Hard to always remember this stuff as a parent, but hearing Vicki hit home that I need to let go in the kitchen – it is everyone’s territory, not just mine.

Figure out a strong habit you have as a parent that you feel resentful to have to do all the time. Stop doing it. Get out the duct tape. See what happens?


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Empathy for Kids

Although it may seem in our parenting culture today that we have become more empathic to our children’s emotions, I am here to tell you that in fact we’ve just found a new way not to be. Webster’s dictionary defines empathy as: “Identification with and understanding of the thoughts and feelings of another.” Today we are only comfortable with our children feeling one emotion: Happiness.

Since we are only comfortable with happiness – sadness, frustration, worry, fear, restlessness, discomfort, boredom, irritability and uncertainty in our children are swiftly dis-validated, fixed, cheered-up or changed. Yet, these are human emotions that we all feel every day.

Most of us automatically try to rescue our children from these feelings. We routinely say, “it’s okay,” “everything’s fine,” “don’t worry,” “cheer up,” “I’ll fix it,” to “stop crying.” Instead of identification with or understanding their thoughts and feelings, we are essentially saying: “don’t feel that.” Our response is not empathic; it is simply another form of control, albeit more disguised than blatantly ignoring kid’s emotions.

Before we start getting harder on ourselves as parents, I have to say that I believe all of these responses are well-intentioned! Yet, I ask parents to look more mindfully at how trying to control our children’s feelings or trying to make them happy is not helping them mature emotionally. And it may even backfire where kids begin to feel like something is wrong with them when they are not feeling as happy as they think they should.

Instead we can normalize and validate children’s feelings. “That sounds upsetting, sweetie,” “I imagine that is frustrating!” “It is scary to try something new.” “It is sad to not get invited to the party.” “I always feel upset when I that happens to me.” When we normalize feelings, we are saying it is okay to feel and with that, kids process emotions much more quickly. They then move on and solve their problems.

Here’s a quick story. We had some friends over for dinner recently and the kids went downstairs after their dinner to watch a video while the adults tried to eat without too many child interruptions. Of course there were not enough seats for all the kids, and my youngest daughter came up crying that there was no chair for her and that no one would share one of their chairs. I immediately wanted to lecture (shut down her feeling) her on being a good host, and remind her that she always wants to have friends over. But I realized that would go nowhere. So instead I said, “That is so upsetting.” She folded up in my arms and lap and cried. When she cried out all her tears, she felt heard and seemed ready to solve her problem. I asked what she could do about it. I hinted that there were lots of pillows downstairs. She went back downstairs and I did not follow her – though I was tempted to fix her situation. Fifteen minutes later I checked on the kids and she was laying in a pile of pillows laughing with all the kids at the video. She did not need me to fix anything, she just needed to feel and vent and be heard and then she solved her problem.

Simply pausing, listening, normalizing and validating feelings, and refraining from fixing is empathy. It allows kids to process their feelings and solve their problems. We can even be empathic when we say no. “I imagine it is frustrating when you don’t get what you want.” “I imagine you will feel upset because I made a dinner that I know you don’t like, but I am still going to ask that you try it.” We can relate to the experience of disappointment and validate their feeling, even if we are one ones setting the limit. Try this!



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