Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Stop Tiptoeing and Start Parent Coaching!
I recently looked at Susan Stiffelman’s book titled, Parenting without Power-Struggles. A powerful metaphor she uses in the book is of a captain of a ship. When on a cruise, the only reason all the guests can relax by the pool, drink at the bar, attend shows and generally feel at-ease is because there is an abiding trust in the captain to skillfully navigate the waters (minus the recent media story).
The captain is not looking for cues about whether he is liked or not liked. The captain is not changing his mind on where to sail the ship based on the passenger’s whims. And the captain is certainly not tiptoeing around the passenger’s feelings.
This sense of authority and skill in a captain reduces anxiety for passengers and the same concept applies to parenting. Parenting with authority, tends to reduce anxiety in children.
Yet, tiptoeing around our children’s moods, likes, dislikes, whims and emotions has become so pervasive across the parenting spectrum today. Most of us are unaware that when we tiptoe are we increasing their anxiety. Indirectly we are sending the message that there is a lot to worry about; that children are so delicate and fragile that we have to walk on egg shells. My question for parents is: would you like someone to tiptoe around you, or would you prefer others to be direct?
In some ways this may seem simple and obvious, yet many parents may not even be aware of the extent of their tiptoeing, and many of the patterns of tiptoeing stretch back to toddler years. How much are you reading your children’s cues rather than asking questions directly? How much energy are you spending behind the scenes to try to make everything “smoother?” How much on-edge are you as a parent? Does your parenting decisions change based on your child’s emotions? Does your child have an ability to override the captain of the ship? Do you think that makes a child feel safer to have that level of control over a parent?
The case for Parent Coaching:
Many parents today are stuck in unhealthy parent-child patterns, where although it may be negatively impacting the parent and the child, there is an even greater fear to change the pattern. This is why patterns stay stuck. Although going to a therapist is an available choice, many parents may not be suffering from a diagnosable mental health issue, and so simply don’t go. Yet, parents may want strategies to work with their emotions and their communication related to their current interactions with their child. Parent coaching helps parents build skills to more successfully navigate the stormy seas in their unique parent-child bond. Parents can regain their natural authority, despite whatever choice their child is making.
Try parent coaching to examine patterns, build new skills and foster more security in the parent-child relationship.
Visit www.parallel-process.com
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Being Fresh, Present and Alive for Our Children
I asked my daughter the other day if she was excited to see one of her new best friends at school, as I was about to drop her off for her first day back after a break. I turned around in the car and I saw tears welling up in her eyes, with a scowl in her forehead. I paused, took a breath, and then asked what was wrong? She burst into tears and with broken speech, told me that another friend had taken her best friend away.
Of course I knew this all may change in the matter of twenty minutes as friendships in elementary school years are as transient as Vermont spring weather.
I wanted to tell her to wait and see what happens – or to cheer it up, and put a positive spin on it. But instead I validated the pained look on her face. I know how painful friendships can be especially when they change from right under your feet. You think you are on solid ground, but in a matter of minutes the ground is gone, the friendship has broken up and scattered amidst the harsh spring winds.
I say:
“That must be so painful.” Pause, “Friendships can hurt so much when you really love your friends, and then the friendship changes.”
She nods, wiping her tears.
After a minute or so I ask: “How is Annie?”
My daughter takes a deep breath, “Annie is great; she is a true friend.”
“Well we should have her over….?”
“Yes, I am going to have her over next week, and then I will have……(my daughter lists all the other friends) over.”
She finally lists the two girls in question, the best friend and the friend who took her away. “I will have them over too, because they are still my friends.”
What I saw happen in the matter of 10 minutes in the car is that when I validated the pain of friendship, but also and more significantly, I validated impermanence, she felt relief. We want things to always stay the same, but friendships like people are always changing. Nothing stays the same. We can teach our kids not to blame themselves when change happens.
When I heard the deep pain in her voice and did not brush it aside, and said that I know the same feeling, she very quickly moved on. When I dropped her off at school she had solved her problem, and she still wanted to have these girls over because they are still her friends, even though the dynamics have temporarily shifted.
I recently taught a winter term course at Middlebury College on Wilderness Therapy. One theme that continued to come up in the course is that nature is safe place for our emotions, especially children who are learning how to process feelings. Trees don’t tell children what to do, trees don’t judge. And most importantly, trees don’t fix our problems. Vietnamese Buddhist Monk, Thich Nhat Hanh says: trees are fresh, present and alive. The woods, a meadow, a stream: these environments have a way of absorbing what we feel. The vibrant hum of nature has a relaxing effect on our nervous systems. As we ponder the frozen grass, the call of the crow, the thawing sheets of ice, the buds awakening in the trees, the sparkling sunshine, we witness up-close the cycle of life. We also witness impermanence everywhere we look. Everything in nature is in motion, and so is our emotional life.
When a strong spring wind hits a maple tree, the maple tree does not think: “Why am I in this storm? Something must be wrong with me?” The maple tree knows impermanence and accepts the daily fluctuations in weather.
We forget about impermanence. When our storms hit: unforeseen events or unwanted feelings, we fight our emotions and judge ourselves. We blame ourselves or blame others. How can we be more like the maple tree? How can we be fresh and present to all emotions – and most importantly to our children’s emotions?
As parents we can normalize and validate children’s feelings. We can say, “Yes, that is a strong wind,” or “Yes, that is painful.” Kids can quickly process and move-through feelings when they are acknowledged and validated. There is no denying a strong wind.
Spending an afternoon in the woods can’t hurt either.
Visit www.parallel-process.com
Of course I knew this all may change in the matter of twenty minutes as friendships in elementary school years are as transient as Vermont spring weather.
I wanted to tell her to wait and see what happens – or to cheer it up, and put a positive spin on it. But instead I validated the pained look on her face. I know how painful friendships can be especially when they change from right under your feet. You think you are on solid ground, but in a matter of minutes the ground is gone, the friendship has broken up and scattered amidst the harsh spring winds.
I say:
“That must be so painful.” Pause, “Friendships can hurt so much when you really love your friends, and then the friendship changes.”
She nods, wiping her tears.
After a minute or so I ask: “How is Annie?”
My daughter takes a deep breath, “Annie is great; she is a true friend.”
“Well we should have her over….?”
“Yes, I am going to have her over next week, and then I will have……(my daughter lists all the other friends) over.”
She finally lists the two girls in question, the best friend and the friend who took her away. “I will have them over too, because they are still my friends.”
What I saw happen in the matter of 10 minutes in the car is that when I validated the pain of friendship, but also and more significantly, I validated impermanence, she felt relief. We want things to always stay the same, but friendships like people are always changing. Nothing stays the same. We can teach our kids not to blame themselves when change happens.
When I heard the deep pain in her voice and did not brush it aside, and said that I know the same feeling, she very quickly moved on. When I dropped her off at school she had solved her problem, and she still wanted to have these girls over because they are still her friends, even though the dynamics have temporarily shifted.
I recently taught a winter term course at Middlebury College on Wilderness Therapy. One theme that continued to come up in the course is that nature is safe place for our emotions, especially children who are learning how to process feelings. Trees don’t tell children what to do, trees don’t judge. And most importantly, trees don’t fix our problems. Vietnamese Buddhist Monk, Thich Nhat Hanh says: trees are fresh, present and alive. The woods, a meadow, a stream: these environments have a way of absorbing what we feel. The vibrant hum of nature has a relaxing effect on our nervous systems. As we ponder the frozen grass, the call of the crow, the thawing sheets of ice, the buds awakening in the trees, the sparkling sunshine, we witness up-close the cycle of life. We also witness impermanence everywhere we look. Everything in nature is in motion, and so is our emotional life.
When a strong spring wind hits a maple tree, the maple tree does not think: “Why am I in this storm? Something must be wrong with me?” The maple tree knows impermanence and accepts the daily fluctuations in weather.
We forget about impermanence. When our storms hit: unforeseen events or unwanted feelings, we fight our emotions and judge ourselves. We blame ourselves or blame others. How can we be more like the maple tree? How can we be fresh and present to all emotions – and most importantly to our children’s emotions?
As parents we can normalize and validate children’s feelings. We can say, “Yes, that is a strong wind,” or “Yes, that is painful.” Kids can quickly process and move-through feelings when they are acknowledged and validated. There is no denying a strong wind.
Spending an afternoon in the woods can’t hurt either.
Visit www.parallel-process.com
Monday, April 9, 2012
Use The Parallel Process in Your Parenting Group!
The Parallel Process Group
This 10-week group is designed to use with any parenting group. It follows the new book, The Parallel Process, by Krissy Pozatek, LICSW. It is important for each member of the group to read the assigned chapters each week and to come into the group with an awareness of the discussion questions. Each group session should start with a “feelings check,” where each member checks in and identifies his or her emotion. This is a skill that parallel’s what their children may be learning in treatment. The aim of this group is for each parent to grow emotionally through enhanced self-awareness.
Week 1: The Entangled Parent
Read Intro and Chapter 1.
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• What is your relationship story with your child?
• Would you describe yourself as over-involved, enmeshed, or co-dependent with your child?
• If not, how would you describe your relationship?
• What thoughts or feelings come up when you identify this pattern?
Week 2: Ownership of the Problem
Read Chapter 2
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• How much ownership do you take of your child’s problem? 60%, 75%, 95%?
• Do you let your child face natural consequences such as receiving an F, being asked to leave a sports team, losing something and not replacing it, asking your child to pay for damage or accident?
• How much do you rescue your child?
• Do you feel responsible for their happiness and work hard to make them happy?
Week 3: Developing Internal Resources
Read Chapter 3
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• How were you raised? Did your parents have behavioral boundaries? Did your parents show emotional attunement? Did your parents create a safe container? Did your parents value struggle?
• Do you parent in the same way you were parented, or have you consciously chosen a new approach or philosophy?
• Where would you place your parenting on the attunement-boundaries continuum?
• Can your child follow rules, or show feelings? What internal resources does your child have and what internal resources is your child lacking?
Week 4: Balanced Parenting
Read Chapter 4
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• Do you set behavioral boundaries for your child? If so how?
• Do you emotionally attune? If so how?
• Do you try to boost your child’s self-esteem? If so how? Does it work?
• What insights do you have at this point to make your parenting more balanced?
Week 5: Meeting Your Child Halfway
Read Chapter 5 and 6
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• What patterns of your own do you identify from the list?
• What thoughts or feelings come up as you identify these?
• If not, can you ask a loved one or therapist which patterns they see in you?
• Can you work toward being accountable and breaking your pattern, knowing this is exactly what you are asking your child to do?
Week 6: Letting Go of the Reins:
Read Chapter 7
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• In what ways do you try to control your child?
• In what ways do you try to control the treatment process with your child?
• In what ways do you try to exert control by protecting yourself?
• What would it feel like to let go of the reins? Discuss.
Week 7: The Art of Reframing
Read Chapter 8
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• Can you refrain from solving your child’s problems?
• Role-play the reframing scenarios in the book – how does it feel?
• How can you let your child’s problems stay on his or her lap?
• Can you practice this once a day this week (with anyone)?
Week 8 and 9: Skills for Reintegration
Read Chapter 9
Feelings Check
Goals for 2 group session :
• Discuss and practice the “1-feel” statement outlined in the book
• Discuss and practice reflective listening
• Discuss time-outs, boundary setting, family check ins
• Discuss making mistakes, accountability and repairing
Week 10: Opening to the Future
Read Chapter 9 and 10
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• What can you forgive? What are you grateful for?
• What lessons have you learned from the process?
• How can you stay committed to your own self-awareness and personal growth?
• What is your treatment plan?
Visit www.parallel-process.com
This 10-week group is designed to use with any parenting group. It follows the new book, The Parallel Process, by Krissy Pozatek, LICSW. It is important for each member of the group to read the assigned chapters each week and to come into the group with an awareness of the discussion questions. Each group session should start with a “feelings check,” where each member checks in and identifies his or her emotion. This is a skill that parallel’s what their children may be learning in treatment. The aim of this group is for each parent to grow emotionally through enhanced self-awareness.
Week 1: The Entangled Parent
Read Intro and Chapter 1.
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• What is your relationship story with your child?
• Would you describe yourself as over-involved, enmeshed, or co-dependent with your child?
• If not, how would you describe your relationship?
• What thoughts or feelings come up when you identify this pattern?
Week 2: Ownership of the Problem
Read Chapter 2
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• How much ownership do you take of your child’s problem? 60%, 75%, 95%?
• Do you let your child face natural consequences such as receiving an F, being asked to leave a sports team, losing something and not replacing it, asking your child to pay for damage or accident?
• How much do you rescue your child?
• Do you feel responsible for their happiness and work hard to make them happy?
Week 3: Developing Internal Resources
Read Chapter 3
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• How were you raised? Did your parents have behavioral boundaries? Did your parents show emotional attunement? Did your parents create a safe container? Did your parents value struggle?
• Do you parent in the same way you were parented, or have you consciously chosen a new approach or philosophy?
• Where would you place your parenting on the attunement-boundaries continuum?
• Can your child follow rules, or show feelings? What internal resources does your child have and what internal resources is your child lacking?
Week 4: Balanced Parenting
Read Chapter 4
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• Do you set behavioral boundaries for your child? If so how?
• Do you emotionally attune? If so how?
• Do you try to boost your child’s self-esteem? If so how? Does it work?
• What insights do you have at this point to make your parenting more balanced?
Week 5: Meeting Your Child Halfway
Read Chapter 5 and 6
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• What patterns of your own do you identify from the list?
• What thoughts or feelings come up as you identify these?
• If not, can you ask a loved one or therapist which patterns they see in you?
• Can you work toward being accountable and breaking your pattern, knowing this is exactly what you are asking your child to do?
Week 6: Letting Go of the Reins:
Read Chapter 7
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• In what ways do you try to control your child?
• In what ways do you try to control the treatment process with your child?
• In what ways do you try to exert control by protecting yourself?
• What would it feel like to let go of the reins? Discuss.
Week 7: The Art of Reframing
Read Chapter 8
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• Can you refrain from solving your child’s problems?
• Role-play the reframing scenarios in the book – how does it feel?
• How can you let your child’s problems stay on his or her lap?
• Can you practice this once a day this week (with anyone)?
Week 8 and 9: Skills for Reintegration
Read Chapter 9
Feelings Check
Goals for 2 group session :
• Discuss and practice the “1-feel” statement outlined in the book
• Discuss and practice reflective listening
• Discuss time-outs, boundary setting, family check ins
• Discuss making mistakes, accountability and repairing
Week 10: Opening to the Future
Read Chapter 9 and 10
Feelings Check
Discussion Questions:
• What can you forgive? What are you grateful for?
• What lessons have you learned from the process?
• How can you stay committed to your own self-awareness and personal growth?
• What is your treatment plan?
Visit www.parallel-process.com
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Parallel Process Workshop - NY!
The Parallel Process Parent Intensive:
TRANSFORMING Alongside your Child in Treatment
By Author, Krissy Pozatek, LICSW
• In this intensive, experiential workshop, parents will identify, understand and transform their negative relationship patterns with their child.
• Participants will come away with new concrete communication skills that will be integrated through role-plays, attunement to feelings and a stronger awareness of parent-child differentiation.
• In this supportive and relaxed setting, parents will become clearer in their parenting, which enables children to feel more secure in the parent-child relationship
Save the Date • Sat, April 21st, 9:30am-4:30pm
Eduardo’s Resturant (private room) • 77 South Moger Ave. • Mt. Kisco, NY
$175 per individual • $250 per couple • Not refundable after April 7th • Space Limited
_________________________________________________________________
The Parallel Process Parent Intensive
Name(s)_________________________________________________
Home Address____________________________________________
Phone_________________________ Email___________________________
Coffee, Muffins and Lunch Included
Please fill out and send in tear-off and check to: Parallel Process, 1305 Vermont rte 14N, East Montpelier, VT 05651. Space is limited to 30. Payment must be received to secure space.
Please contact Krissy with any questions: krissy@parallel-process.com , 802-595-5116
Or, Lisa Muoio: Lisa@ERUconsults.com, 914-232-4000 at Educational Resources Unlimited
Visit www.parallel-process.com
TRANSFORMING Alongside your Child in Treatment
By Author, Krissy Pozatek, LICSW
• In this intensive, experiential workshop, parents will identify, understand and transform their negative relationship patterns with their child.
• Participants will come away with new concrete communication skills that will be integrated through role-plays, attunement to feelings and a stronger awareness of parent-child differentiation.
• In this supportive and relaxed setting, parents will become clearer in their parenting, which enables children to feel more secure in the parent-child relationship
Save the Date • Sat, April 21st, 9:30am-4:30pm
Eduardo’s Resturant (private room) • 77 South Moger Ave. • Mt. Kisco, NY
$175 per individual • $250 per couple • Not refundable after April 7th • Space Limited
_________________________________________________________________
The Parallel Process Parent Intensive
Name(s)_________________________________________________
Home Address____________________________________________
Phone_________________________ Email___________________________
Coffee, Muffins and Lunch Included
Please fill out and send in tear-off and check to: Parallel Process, 1305 Vermont rte 14N, East Montpelier, VT 05651. Space is limited to 30. Payment must be received to secure space.
Please contact Krissy with any questions: krissy@parallel-process.com , 802-595-5116
Or, Lisa Muoio: Lisa@ERUconsults.com, 914-232-4000 at Educational Resources Unlimited
Visit www.parallel-process.com
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Parent Workshop Coming!
The Parallel Process Parent Intensive:
TRANSFORM alongside your child in treatment through a weekend of support, learning and PRACTICE
By Author, Krissy Pozatek, LICSW
* In this 2-day intensive, experiential workshop, parents will identify, understand and transform their negative relationship patterns with their child in treatment.
*Participants will come away with new concrete skills that will be integrated through role-plays, attunement to feelings and a stronger awareness of parent-child differentiation.
* In this supportive and relaxed setting, parents will become clearer in their parenting, allowing their kids to feel more secure in the parent-child relationship.
* De-stress, recharge and hardwire new communication techniques
Save the Date • Sat, October 15th, 9:30am-5pm & Sun, October 16th, 9:30 am-4pm
THE LAKEVIEW CENTER • 800 GILSON PARK DRIVE • WILMETTE, IL
$295 per individual, $575 per couple, $325 per individual walk-in (space permitting)
_________________________________________________________________
The Parallel Process Parent Intensive
Name(s)_________________________________________________
Home Address____________________________________________
Phone_________________________ Email___________________________
Coffee, Muffins and Lunch Included –please check one
Omnivore Vegetarian Vegan Food Allergy ______________
Please fill out and send in tear-off and check to: Parallel Process, 1305 Vermont rte 14N, East Montpelier, VT 05651. Space is limited to 30. Payment must be received to secure space.
Please contact Krissy with any questions: krissy@parallel-process.com
Visit www.parallel-process.com
TRANSFORM alongside your child in treatment through a weekend of support, learning and PRACTICE
By Author, Krissy Pozatek, LICSW
* In this 2-day intensive, experiential workshop, parents will identify, understand and transform their negative relationship patterns with their child in treatment.
*Participants will come away with new concrete skills that will be integrated through role-plays, attunement to feelings and a stronger awareness of parent-child differentiation.
* In this supportive and relaxed setting, parents will become clearer in their parenting, allowing their kids to feel more secure in the parent-child relationship.
* De-stress, recharge and hardwire new communication techniques
Save the Date • Sat, October 15th, 9:30am-5pm & Sun, October 16th, 9:30 am-4pm
THE LAKEVIEW CENTER • 800 GILSON PARK DRIVE • WILMETTE, IL
$295 per individual, $575 per couple, $325 per individual walk-in (space permitting)
_________________________________________________________________
The Parallel Process Parent Intensive
Name(s)_________________________________________________
Home Address____________________________________________
Phone_________________________ Email___________________________
Coffee, Muffins and Lunch Included –please check one
Omnivore Vegetarian Vegan Food Allergy ______________
Please fill out and send in tear-off and check to: Parallel Process, 1305 Vermont rte 14N, East Montpelier, VT 05651. Space is limited to 30. Payment must be received to secure space.
Please contact Krissy with any questions: krissy@parallel-process.com
Visit www.parallel-process.com
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Facebook Page
Finally The Parallel Process has a Facebook Page! This is intended for parents to share comments, ideas, or simply to get support by seeing that they are not alone in the journey of having a child in treatment. The impetus for the book came from seeing so many similar patterns in my years working with families, yet most families feel alone in going through the process. If families feel comfortable sharing short stories, ideas or encouragements, I am sure another mother or father will benefit. Remember you have to go through the woods to get to the other side, which often involves a lot of uncertainty. Trust that there is a clearing on the other side of the woods.
Show your support by pressing Like!
Visit www.parallel-process.com
Show your support by pressing Like!
Visit www.parallel-process.com
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Why Children Struggling in the Home is OK, even Good!
Read this article and be grateful for your child's struggles with rules, homework and the discomforts of life....
how-to-land-your-kid-in-therapy
Visit www.parallel-process.com
how-to-land-your-kid-in-therapy
Visit www.parallel-process.com
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