Welcome To Parallel Process

A Blog for parents with children in treatment or struggling at home please visit www.parallel-process.com

Friday, December 17, 2010

Compartmentalizing


Kids are very good at compartmentalizing; meaning they frequently put their values and behaviors in separate compartments.  After a blow-up or conflict, struggling pre-teens and teens are quick to brush-over these events.  Once the storm has died down, kids quickly move on as though nothing ever happened, and many even show anger if mom and dad attempt to bring the topic up again.  Meanwhile mom and dad may take longer to process and understand what just happened.  Episodes of behavior, whether it is lying, stealing, anger, drug use, shutting down, or bullying, frequently become landmines in the home for parents to tip-toe around.  Not only are parents struggling and worrying about their children’s behavior, moreover they are at a loss in knowing how to address their concerns.  


What is most problematic is not an anger outburst, or a single episode of behavior; it is the over-arching pattern of avoiding and compartmentalizing.  All families have conflict, yet when families play out patterns over and over again without repairing or finding resolution, it is unlikely the pattern will change or improve. When kids are not held accountable, there is no impetus for change.  When parents do not metaphorically hold up a mirror for kids to see a) their behavior clearly or b) how their behavior impacts others – chances are the family will get through one storm only for another storm to brew.  Yet, how do parents hold their kids accountable when they fear it will create more conflict?


When kids compartmentalize their values (for example, most kids will say honesty and respect is important) and their behavior (while lying and showing disrespect), it becomes increasingly hard for kid’s behavior to match their values.  This repetitive split can actually interfere with children’s emotional and moral development, and create suffering.  Parents might think kids delight in tricking them, however when kids put more energy into finding short-cuts, lying, bullying and avoiding, they are not building confidence and esteem, and they may even feel worse about themselves.  


All children have values, even children that are struggling.  Parents can help their children become congruent in their words, actions and values.  One way to do this is to keep putting children’s behavior back on their laps.  “How do you feel about what happened yesterday?”  “What does it feel like inside when you get so angry?”  “What do you think will help you next time?”  “What does it feel like when you shut-down?”  “How do you feel now about the bullying?”  “How do you want to deal with this problem?”  When parents first elicit what their child thinks and feels they are attempting to connect the child to his or her own values and foster self-awareness, rather that stating their own parental thoughts, feelings and opinions.  When parents emotionally react or lecture, kids get defensive, shut-down and blame parents, rather than looking at their own behavior.  The lesson of self-awareness can easily be lost.  


It is critical at times for parents to take themselves out of the equation, and allow kids to evaluate themselves.  What does your child think about his choices?  This can be a powerful reframe.  If parents don’t allow the problem to rest on their child’s lap, the child can quickly find some way to blame the parent and avoid looking at his or her own behavior.  Rather than having a conflict in the parent-child relationship, the child can struggle internally with how his behaviors do not always align with his values.  Parents can have empathy for this process and reflect on how adults also struggle with living from their own values; the goal for the child is to grow in self-awareness, continually.  With self-awareness comes congruence.

Visit www.parallel-process.com

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Beyond Being "Right"

Frequently, in my experience working with parents of troubled adolescents and young adults, parents freeze up when their children give them negative feedback.  Parents are walled-off, fearful, and unable to tolerate their child’s perspectives, especially when they contain a statement implying: “You did not do enough for me.”  With these kinds of remarks, parents swiftly rebut, defend and emphatically demonstrate how much they did do.  However, parents can model differentiation by hearing, reflecting and acknowledging their child’s perspective.

Parents do not need to be locked into “right,” and “wrong,” thinking.  Even if parents feel their child is blatantly “wrong,” this armored response does little to facilitate deeper dialogues, especially considering most parents want close and open relationships with their teens and emerging adults.  Take the metaphor of a parent and child standing on opposite sides of a room.  A therapist raises an object between them, say a book, and asks each party to describe what they see.  The child may say, “well I see a title and a picture.”  The parent may say, “well I see just words, like quotes.”  Both parent and child are right, they are each sharing their different perspectives, and their own reality.  The “truth” is the whole object, the book, composed of both sides.  The parent and child cannot see the whole object or the whole truth unless each gets up and views the object from all angles. 
            
When children share their reality or experience, this is actually a gift.  The child is engaging in dialogue, rather than shutting down and saying everything is “fine.”  Parents may think the child’s perspective is distorted and it probably is – that is okay.  Struggling teens may be distorted by overwhelming emotions, drugs and alcohol, or an overall emotional immaturity.  Most teens are full of feelings, not rationality.  Parents do not have to validate the child as being “right” or invalidate the child as being “wrong.”  Instead parents can listen, reflect and thank the child for sharing.  “Can you share more about what you mean?”  “I will be sure to reflect on your perspectives.”  “It is important to me that you can tell me how you feel?”  When parents are open and receptive, rather than defensive, it keeps opening doors in the parent-child relationship rather than shutting them. 

For example, one angry adolescent girl, through the course of her treatment, told her father that he did not set enough limits with her.  He was too “easy,” too “permissive,” and as a result this teen could not control her drinking.  This account may cause a parent to completely harden, considering all that parents of troubled teens go through.  However it is also an opportunity for a new outcome.  This dad remembers that past differently and felt that his daughter never abided to any limit or boundary.  She blatantly violated all the rules of the home.  Yet at this moment in the treatment/recovery process, what is more important is listening to each other, not being right.  So he said in response, “Can you tell me more about why you feel this way?”  She said, “Well I am not sure, I just remember getting away with stuff, stealing alcohol from you, leaving the house when I wanted, and feeling out of control.”  The father replied, “I remember that too, what do you think we could have done differently?”  After a long pause, she replied: “Well for one, you could have gotten rid of the alcohol and perhaps given me breathalyzers.  You could have locked me in the house.  I don’t know, but I think you could have done more.”  

Even though this dad did not know the extent of his daughters drinking until it was too late as she was a skilled liar, his parenting instincts were always to trust her.  Still, rather than getting defensive he replied:  “Well, thanks for your feedback, I appreciate your perspective.”  With this response, what was most important was hearing and validating his daughter, not being “right.”  He might even say, “What limits can I hold you to now that you are in recovery?”  She might say, “Well, I need to go to daily meetings and I want you to hold me to this when I come home, also I need a curfew, and frequent check-ins.”
            
When the father accepted his daughter’s points, she relaxed towards him and began to share more.  This led the conversation in a new direction to a new outcome.  We all have distortions in our reality of events, especially emotionally charged events.  What is more important than being “right” is listening and hearing others perspectives.  This is much more challenging to do when it feels as though a child is blaming again, but rather than viewing it as blame, parents should view it as an opening to deeper dialogue.  

Visit www.parallel-process.com

The Parallel Process - Now Available

http://www.lanternbooks.com

Buy Your New Book Today

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Temple Grandin and Internal Resources

Temple Grandin and Claire Danes, who portrays Grandin in HBO's Temple Grandin, © HBO


The two things I reflected on as a parent-child therapist after viewing HBO’s movie on Temple Grandin, a highly accomplished autistic woman, author, teacher, innovator and animal lover, was her internal resources and her relationship with her mother (her relationship with her father is not depicted in movie).  

I identify internal resources as: the ability to problem solve, delay gratification, motivate self, emotionally regulate, set-goals, complete tasks, self-discipline and be responsible for self.  I believe the development of internal resources is critical for one to actualize their potential even when struggling with a disability or mental health diagnosis.  I believe Temple Grandin’s success results from her internal resources, her investment in her own life and her ownership of her Autism diagnosis.

These two points of focus, the parent-child relationship and internal resources, go hand in hand.  In my observation as a parent-child therapist, the 2 essential ingredients needed in parenting to instill internal resources in young people are: 1) emotional attunement and 2) behavioral boundaries.  With attuning to children’s feelings while still holding behavioral boundaries, parents are teaching kids that it is safe to struggle and allowing them to problem solve, emotionally regulate and navigate their own life.

At least how the relationship is portrayed in the movie, it was clear to me that despite the limited knowledge I imagine her mother, Eustacia, had in 1950 when Temple was diagnosed with Autism, she did not try to remove struggle from Temple’s life.  She compassionately held Temple to all the ideals that perhaps a parent of a “normal” child would: to learn to talk, to learn rules and manners, to complete high school, to become educated and go to college, and to pursue her potential.  With this, despite many obstacles she faced due to her Autism, Temple learned the necessary life skills to go from one stage in her life to the next.

One of the first scenes in the movie, Temple reveals her learned life skill of greeting others.  “Hi, I am Temple Grandin, it is nice to meet you.”  This greeting was played over and over because this was her set greeting; she was taught this and it was expected of her despite her social anxiety, discomfort with people, inability to read subtleties, and inability to tolerate loud sounds.  With this “skill,” Temple was able to meet the people she needed to help her uncover her potential and gifts.  It may sounds small, but this simple social skill of “greeting” others literally and figuratively opened doors for someone with Autism.

Temple struggled greatly in school for 2 reasons: 1) she was a visual thinker 2) she lacked ability to read social cues and was teased, bullied, and misunderstood.  People would call her “tape recorder” because she would repeat things over and over.  Yet, she is extremely bright and was urged to stick with it.  In high school, her mother found an alternative school which worked with gifted and alternative learning styles.  There Temple met a teacher, who taught her a critical lesson, “life is about opening new doors and walking through.”  For Temple, this was a visual metaphor which was an essential.  When she faced the many fears in her life such as socializing with others, applying to college, going through a mechanical door at a grocery store, asserting herself professionally or public speaking, Temple visualized a door and opened it.  She added this to her “tool box” for navigating life.

After high school, Temple went to live on her Aunt’s cattle farm in California.  There she realized that she could relate to and understand cows in a way the “neurotypical” people did not.  She noted that distressed cows relaxed when they were squeezed in a metal grate which was used to still cows when they needed to be inoculated.  She could see and feel the muscles in the cow relaxing and their bodies becoming quiet.  Temple filed this away in her picture box of memories.  One day when something was askew in her room, as small things could set her off, Temple erupted into one of her tantrums.  Yet, as she ran around screaming, she was also problem-solving.  She ran straight to the metal grate and pulled the walls to squeeze her like it had the cow.  With this, Temple relaxed.  She soon devised her own “squeeze machine,” to help regulate her emotions.  Temple developed another internal resource and put this tool in her toolbox.  

After a free-spirited summer spent with cows and away from people, Temple felt happy and alive and was not interested in going back to the East Coast for college.  Even her Aunt admitted to the fun they were having and confirmed the merits of the “squeeze machine.” She said Temple could stay, but her mother knew Temple was bright and needed to continue her education and yes, to keep struggling.  

Reluctantly, Temple started college and there were many, many bumps along the way, yet she continued to use her intelligence to solve her problems.  She would openly talk about her Autism and talk about how she saw the world differently to help “neurotypical” people understand her.  She just kept moving forward.  She got her BS, her MS, and eventually her Doctorate.  She is an innovator of cattle ranch design and professor and one could argue she has actualized her potential.  

At a moving moment at the end of the movie, Temple attended one of the first Autism conferences.  When she stood up and began to speak, the people thought she was a mother of an Autistic child.  Temple said, “No, I am Autistic.”  She began to tell the group about why kids can’t tolerate loud noises, and why they spin and rock to soothe themselves, and many in the audience asked how she had become so successful.  Temple said, “Well my mother.”  “She taught me manners and rules and sent me to school even if I didn’t want to and I just kept opening new doors.”  

Asking kids to struggle, to do something hard, even when they themselves have some emotional sensitivity or disability enables kids to keep developing and keep moving forward in life.  Parents can’t skip these steps by trying to take away obstacles, removing struggle, and rescuing their kids.  Kids need to develop their own internal resources, own their problems and become invested in their own life, regardless of their diagnosis, learning disabilities and other struggles they face.  Temple is an inspiration.
 

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Welcome

Welcome to The Parallel Process Blog.  As many of you know, I have a book that will be published in the coming month for parents who have children in treatment.  The focus of this blog is to highlight the critical ingredients in my book:  parent-child patterns, how kids develop internal resources, how to empower children to solve their own problems, how to communicate and have new outcomes with your kids and many, many more subjects.  I hope to keep reinforcing the ideas around Balanced Parenting and apply these concepts to everyday life.  Stay Tuned....

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Why Parallel Process?

Parallel Process provides a safe place for parents of struggling adolescents to process the range of their emotions from anger and resentment to guilt, regret and fear.

Parallel Process enhances parents skill-development and emotional maturation while their child is away, including: emotional self-care, emotional attunement to their child, boundary setting, reframing issues and problems, sitting with discomfort and uncertainty, I-feel statements, assertive communication and reflective listening.

Parallel Process helps parents develop healthier boundaries with their child.  This can range from  helping emotionally enmeshed parent learn how to set behavioral limits to helping emotionally distant parents become more engaged and emotionally available.

Parallel Process helps parents learn how to empower their children to solve their own problems.

Parallel Process enhances parents self-awareness by helping parents identify their own patterns.  With this, parents can side-step old traps and have new outcomes with their child.

Parallel Process helps parents develop healthier communication with their child from letter writing, phone calls or visit with their child in treatment, to transitioning their child back to the home.

Parallel Process helps parents address their own personal and/or marriage issues that might be interfering with their parenting.

Whether parents are divorced, separated, struggling or happily married, Parallel Process focuses on effective co-parenting and teamwork to provide a safe container for their child.

Parallel Process aims to work alongside child’s treatment to help integrate new communication skills, emotional management skills and behavioral boundaries into the home.  This ensures that the child’s gains in treatment are preserved and reinforced.

Finally, Parallel Process works as a team with child’s therapist and educational consultant to achieve best possible outcome for child and whole family.